Today, my youngest brother pulled up the gravel driveway and parked his 30 year old red Nissan S.U.V. next to my 2016 Nissan rig. His big foot tire cover matching my big foot bumper stickers. I haven’t seen him in 5 years. The gritty details is his story to tell but it was traumatic the last time I saw him.
We used to be pretty much best friends. We had each other growing up while mom was raging on us. So I guess we were bonded more by trauma then any sense of familiar duty. But we were often pit against each other to survive. That’s life in a family run by a narcissist. It was bitter sweet seeing him.
He brought his friend, who was very nice but also has a past. I guess my brother has told him about his life of abuse as well. They met some time in prison and became almost like brothers I guess. I’m happy he has someone that has his back. I was conflicted at first…sad, angry and disappointed with him when he’d been arrested. But upon seeing him, I can’t help but still love him. I feel the need to forgive him. After all, he did do his time and he, like me, is trying to get on his feet again. He was abused, he lacks confidence, just the same as me. We need to heal. I find myself letting that anger and disappointment go. I had missed my youngest brother.
We chatted, as the sweat from the hot day rolled off our faces, out in the yard. Our grief hung in the air. We commiserated. We reconnected. I didn’t ask about his time behind bars, only about what came after, his job, his car, his home. We talked about camping and exploring and foraging like we used to do. He did not stay long however, as he and his friend were heading to the beaches in hopes of cooling off. I didn’t blame them. I might do the same tomorrow.
But the feelings after have left me feeling a bit raw. Longing for family, but somewhat distrustful….. I am just trying to get on my feet myself, forging a chosen family, while trying to escape the clutches of my narcissistic parent and still dealing with the grief of watching dad die. I have a lot to try to balance right now so I’m not sure how this new puzzle piece will fit if I invite my brother back into my life because it’s complications I don’t need right now. How does one know if it is safe to trust someone, or to forgive someone?
I feel like he COULD be useful in my tribe, especially with the coming issues caused by climate change and politics. But I don’t want to make the decision on letting him into my life on that.
Climate Wary Homesteader 