Can I Trust This?

I’ve heard it before. “You can live here as long as you want.”

Usually comes when someone realizes how useful to them I am.

“Help take care of so and so”

“Till death do us part”

“Help to buy this land”

“Help maintain this place, develop it”

It’s from people I once respected and gave loyalty to. Family members and marriage. it’s happened more than once from people who are supposed to have your back as much as you have theirs.

But then I got sick and hurt, and was no longer as useful to them for a little while.

I have a big personal flaw I’ve come to understand. I never used to think it was a flaw. To be extremely loyal to the ones you care about I thought would be a respectable trait. Because I would literally take a bullet for the people I care about.

But time and time again my trust is ripped to shreds, ground into the mud by those I cared about. Each time leaving me to pick up shattered pieces of my soul, penniless and starting over, bleeding from soul wounds that only get deeper and more severe with each betrayal.

I don’t expect it will be any different this time. I’ve not felt totally settled here. I feel like one small mistake, one injury and I’d be the inconvenience again.

A few days ago the others here switched from “what are your plans?” to “Help me to fully buy the property” (I do pay utilities and for the camper I live in currently) Saying that I can stay here forever if I wish to, a forever home. I’d not have to move again.

But I’ve been promised that before.

While I’m useful to people. They know I garden and grow things well and know how to preserve food and forage. They worry about a supply chain issue. So I am currently useful to them.

What happens if I get hurt or sick again?

I put my savings into the farm. It was supposed to be mine someday but was betrayed by my own mother. I put so much time and effort into my marriage but was also betrayed there. And I won’t even mention the shit between those two incidents. Just know there was more betrayal.

So even though I hope these folks actually mean it, I don’t 100% trust it. They let me exist here to get my feet under me and for that they have my loyalty. But I’ve never had the same kind of loyalty returned and I won’t get my hopes up this time. I will exist until I’m thrown away again. I’m under no delusions this time that I’m actually worth something as a human being. I’m only worth to others what I can bring to the table.

With the coming crisis, the climate collapse, I don’t have many options. To survive one needs a bit of land and supplies. Tools and space to grow what’s needed. It will never be mine. I know now that my lot in life, my path, that keeps getting ripped away despite all the hard work, is to have nothing.

And so I find myself having to give up on my own dreams of home ownership. Of my own property. At least for now. I can’t tell the future but I do know I can’t believe other people’s promises because I will never be anyone’s priority.