Unfreezing Mentally

46°F, light rain, light wind

I guess since my world as I knew it had come crashing down, I was stuck in a kind of mental limbo of doing only what I needed to survive. Roof over my head. Food in my belly. Work. A few people asked me what my plans for the future were and I couldn’t really give them much of an answer. I was like a deer staring into headlights. Frozen in place. Trying to understand this new world that is both freedom and constraint.

Freedom from abuse and torment. Constraints by my handicap, my lack of ability/knowledge, and funds.

I told myself over and over that I was thankful to have this old camper to exist in. Even though it’s been a huge adjustment.

Even though it’s hard to move and live in here especially on the days I’m hurting.

It’s certainly better than living on the streets. So yes, I’m very grateful.

But I’ve been frozen.

The last couple days I feel a little less unfrozen. Maybe it’s the thought of a new year to start over with. Maybe it’s letting dad’s ashes go. Maybe it’s both. Yesterday I came to the realization that it’s perfectly ok to be sad and angry. Growing up, you weren’t allowed to feel things or show that you were feeling things. But it’s perfectly ok to feel the feelings. It’s hard to accept it. But it’s perfectly ok. So I’ve given myself permission to let it out. To let it go.

And yesterday it was like a switched flipped. I suddenly started having ideas. Of how to make this place more comfortable and accessible for myself. It will take a bit of work and the thought isn’t freezing me up. I’m not curling up on my pokey, hard as a rock old stained mattress energy-less at the near thought of doing something.

No. I’ve got ideas now and they don’t wear me out, instead they are motivating. I think I’ve turned a corner. And I’m actually excited to start rejoining life again. On my own terms.