HOW NOT TO DESTROY A FRIEND TRYING THIER BEST
7:40 am, west coast, partially cloudy 59*
I know I committed the crime of not posting in a very long time again. I’ve got to stop doing that. The truth is I get so busy and let things distract me. There is a ton going on in the world, and in the United States here that have my focus both personally and much larger than myself.
We all know what is going on with the recent step into fascism that this country has gone towards with the clowns in office who take great pride in destroying anything worthwhile. The people’s freedoms, the environment, public health, education, everything. The regime’s mission seems to be to destroy, destroy, destroy.
I’ve voted. I’ve protested. I’ve worked on my garden too. I’ve worked hard whenever I could between injuries and illness.
And yesterday I let the opinions of someone I considered a best friend bring me down and depress me.
This particular friend I was drawn to because we were both prepping. Or so I thought. I owe a lot to this friend, don’t get me wrong. I’ve very appreciative of the little camper that she sold to me so that I had a place to live. But the longer I stay here, the longer I work on the homestead here as part of the rent to be here, and as part of hoping I can help her and whoever I care about survive the coming hard times and weather disasters, the more I realize we also differ in so many ways.
I can understand and accept differences of opinions. Or at least accept them if I don’t understand them. The ones I really don’t understand the most are the antivax sentiments/ anti science sentiments she has. And that she believes weather modification is real but climate change is not and she absolutely will tell you that she doesn’t care about politics and that anyone who protests is an idiot all the while being married to someone who doesn’t have white skin. She gets a little mad, but only a little mad, that dtrump #notmypresident has rolled back (or rather destroyed) protections on land and animals. And she has native american blood….you would think she would want to protest at least that. But she is apathetic. She literally feels no real tie to the land. And I can’t understand that. Her opinion? It’s already ruined anyway and earth is actually hell and she has this whole conspiracy about that….
Meanwhile I have the opposite views. Life is amazing, science is amazing, and the world, yes damaged, is worth protecting and worth standing up for. Science does amazing things and helps us understand and survive this world.
As a disabled person, I’d be long dead if it weren’t for science.
I’d love to stick around and see so many of the wonders here.
So why, why am I sad and now doubting the survivability of our friendship. Mind you, up until now, I felt very loyal to this friend, despite our differences and imperfections. I am someone who will cover, protect, and bury a body for a good friend. So it hurts when a friend gets tired of me. And I’m sure that’s what it is. Because everyone eventually gets tired of me being broken, having broken bones and injuries. She wants someone to go do adventure things with. I can’t these last years. I keep breaking bones. I don’t ask for help or anything. Even when I probably should because I don’t want to be a burden because I have learned in this life, the moment people see me as a burden, I am nothing to them.
So despite working all the time, despite making a beautiful garden and doing all that, I’ve been told that I don’t work fast enough and that they don’t want to see the property perfect when they are 80, they want it now and that the work I’ve done is really nothing…. all the raised beds I’ve built, often in pain, by myself, all the bags of soil I’ve lugged and filled them with, also while in pain, the weeding and watering and all that time I spent planting seeds… and I’m paying for all of that….
“Well, the garden was established before you came so it’s really nothing” were her words.
Mind you the trees had been cleared before even she lived there. She had her husband at one point or maybe it was one of her lovers, build some half rotting wooden beds over plastic on one section of that area and had a small garden one year.
When I got there, it was nothing but rotting wood and weeds. It was not a garden at that point and she didn’t do the work.
Oh, and that’s another thing we don’t agree on. She thinks only men should work outside. She hates actual work outside. I’ve come to know that about her. I have the attitude that anyone can do that work. Sure, we may not be as fast at it. Especially if disabled. But I digress. She totally dismissed the blood sweat and tears of my work on this garden. And she snipes at me all the time about it. The other day, a mutual acquaintance on facebook made a post about not trusting lettuce and food safety right now. I said, “This is why I am gardening.” You would think my “friend” wouldn’t disparage me on that and would encourage. Instead, she said “You buy food from the store.” Well duh, of course I do. But I have a ton of fresh vegetables I don’t have to worry about. I grow this garden for both of us, and she really doesn’t even come out and enjoy the veggies. She claims she doesn’t know what anything is. Or that I don’t plant things she eats (When In fact I purposely plant things she eats but I don’t eat and low and behold she never ends up eating them even if I tell her they are there…)
She couldn’t give me a pat on the back for trying. For achieving a nice garden. NO. Yesterday she made it a point, while we were at work, to disparage my work. There were days I would have rather gone hiking and exploring but I knew I needed to get a garden in. So many days. while she went off and did those things. And all she has to say to me is that my work is not fast enough. Not good enough. And that I’m just a dreamer and that she doesn’t want to be 80 to see the place, the whole 12 acres tamed.
This broke my heart. No encouragement, only that I wasn’t good enough. She doesn’t see what I see- the beauty, the good food I grow for us. The work and effort despite pain to make sure that we have something when the weather gets too extreme. And so, it makes me want to quit. To leave. To not keep fighting to live. After all, despite her claiming herself a prepper, she said she doesn’t care about living. The truth is, I’m going to keep at it.
I’m going to keep living and trying and doing the best I can. Yes, I have 3 broken bones right now but I’m still doing. I’m still going to work. I’m still tending to animals and watering the garden and harvesting. In pain. By myself. I wouldn’t be able to have these things in an apartment. So, I will pretend to not let her remarks hurt me so much. Because I know what’s coming. And even if she chooses not to fight for life and to die instead, I will at least have a chance out here to ride it out. I will stop planting things just for her though. Why should I? if she wants onions, she can plant onions. She’s got a perfectly capable body. I won’t hold my breath though.
“There is a weed here”
“Ok, but did you see all the weeds I pulled and destroyed so far this year?”
It’s a work in progress. And I don’t see you making any progress., friend. I’m still going to appreciate the hard work I’ve overcome, even if I’m friends with someone who is incapable of having a vision.
Thank you for letting me get that off my chest.
And now that it is off my chest, my next (hopefully more frequent) postings, will be about the projects I have going that my dear friend doesn’t want to hear about.
Have a nice weekend.
Climate Wary Homesteader 